The Shitty Time Traveler and the Blind Revolutionary

by Katie Garner
Originally featured in the FUTURE issue
​August 2018
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“Space plague. Yup. I’ve got space plague.”

“....space plague.”

“Uh, yeah, but don’t worry, I don’t think I’m contagious.”

“There’s no such thing as space plague you dumb fuck.”

“Maybe they don’t call it space plague wherever your backwater alien ass is from, but where I come from they call it space plague. So. Suck on that.”

“What? Okay, look-- I don’t have time for this.”

“You have an escape plan?”

“I’m working on it.”

“Well while you’re working on your escape plan, can you tell me what year it is?”

“I don’t get the question.”

“C’mon man, the year! Jesus, uh, I don’t know, how much time has passed in the history of humans?”

“Wait, years? Years haven’t been used as a unit of temporality since the early electric age.”

“....”

“What?”

“... that wasn’t the response I was looking for. Sorry if it starts to smell in here. Little bit of pee escaped just now.”

“Something is definitely wrong with you, but it’s not space plague.”

“Focus instead on how we’re going to escape from this... cell. Can you see anything? I can’t see shit.”

“No, I can’t see anything. I’m blind. Can you move your arms? Try to feel around behind you.”

“You’re blind? Like, blind blind? Are all people blind now?”

“What? No. I was born blind. Where are you getting all this crap?”

“I was a pretty sheltered kid growin’ up, man.”

“Do you feel anything behind you or not?”

“Just a smooth wall. No grooves or knobs or anything like that.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah, this sucks. Hey, I told you why I’m in here, why’re you here?”

“You did not tell me why you were here. Even if there was such an illness called ‘space plague’ there would be no reason to imprison you. Also, anything with ‘plague’ in its description would imply that such an illness would be contagious--” 

“Fine, fuck. I don’t have space plague. Happy now?”

“No. Now I’m just trapped in a storage closet with a bad liar.”

“Fuck, just, listen for a sec. I actually don’t know why they shoved me in here. I’m from the past. The extremely distant past. I woke up this morning on a spaceship and that’s all I know.”

“What do you mean, you woke up on a spaceship? Traveling into the future wasn’t your intention?”

“No! All I remember is drinking a few with Johnny last night and crashing on his couch. Next morning, my back’s killing me, and it’s really bright, so I thought maybe I passed out on the sidewalk again. Instead I’m slumped against the wall of some hallway, but like, a clean hallway, like a dentist’s office. And a woman was standing over me. But, like, there was something wrong with her face. You know how on TV they blur out advertisements and dicks and stuff? Her face was like that.”

“I don’t know what a TV is, but the woman was probably Candace.”

“You know her?”

“Not exactly. Candace is the AI for all the Hegemony ships. Apparently her original design was so unsettling that they altered her into what you saw.”

“Hold up, that was the uncreepy version? God, the future sucks.”

“Then what happened?”

“I sorta freaked out when I saw her, so I bolted. Ran in the opposite direction for a while. Sirens were going off, which freaked me out more, and then something shattered and my ears were ringing, like my brain was rattling against my skull. And then I woke up here.”

“That’s it? You didn’t see anyone?”

“No man. Just the censored robot maid and a bunch of windows that clued me into that fact that I’m on a goddamn spaceship. Now c’mon, what are you in for?”

“They arrested me on charges of treason, but in reality this is an attempt to silence a leading voice of dissent.”

“You keep saying they. Whose ‘they’?”

“The Hegemony. They’re the primary executors of law and order throughout all inhabited worlds, whether those worlds want it or not.”

“So they suck?”

“Crude, but not inaccurate.”

“And we’re on a Hegemony ship?”

“Yup.”

“Fuck.”

“That’s why I can’t stress the importance of finding a way out of here. The Hegemony isn’t known for being merciful.”

“Like, I get that, but I’m a shitty time traveler and you’re a blind revolutionary, so what the hell are we supposed to do against a ship full of space cops?”

“The only thing we can do. We bargain.”

“Buddy, I don’t think you got the gist of my story, cause I didn’t exactly bring my wallet with me into the future. Time travel didn’t even, uh, let me bring my clothes.”

“That doesn’t matter. You’re the bargaining chip.”

“Huh. Explain.”

“What you experienced is a documented phenomena. It’s extremely rare, of course, but it happens. A while back, a man materialized on a medic vessel, screaming gibberish at the doctors and nurses until they realized he was speaking Latin. The Hegemony goes crazy over these people. They’d do anything to get information out of you. Even, just maybe, give us our freedom.”

“What’s this ‘us’ shit? So I get to be probed by shady space government and you get to go back to raging against the machine?”

“...I know it sounds bad, but you need to understand my importance as a political leader in a growing movement against an unjust entity--”

“This is how this is gonna go. You help me get back to my time, and I’ll get you out of here.”

“If the Hegemony can’t even master time travel, what makes you think I can? I’m not a scientist!”

“Fuck, I don’t care! You can at least help me figure my shit out! I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go, and I don’t know anyone else!”

“Okay, fine, just shut up. We can work together...for the time being.”

“Awesome. Do you think the robot maid can bring me some clothes? I’m freezing my nuts off.”

“I think I hate you.”

“S’all good buddy, I think I hate you too.”

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